Bible Humor

Reading Between The Lines

Here is some humor based upon phrases and ideas that match portions of the Bible. These aren't meant to be offensive or irreverent in the least. Please accept these with the humor that is intended.

• Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
  • Noah; he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.
• Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
  • Pharaoh’s daughter; she went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
• Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
  • Samson; he brought the house down.
• Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
  • Genesis 1:1. "In the Big Inning..."
• What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
  • Ruth-less.
• How long did Cain hate his brother?
  • As long as he was Abel!
• The ark was built in 3 stories and the top story had a window to let light in, but how did they get light to the bottom 2 stories?
  • They used floodlights.
• Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
  • David, he rocked Goliath to sleep.
• Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot?
  • The thought had never entered his head before?
• If Goliath is resurrected, would you like to tell him the joke about David and Goliath?
  • No, he already fell for it once.
• Who was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
  • Moses, because he broke all 10 commandments at once.
• Who was known as a Mathematician in the Bible?
  • Moses, he wrote the book of Numbers.
• How do we know that Job went to a chiropractor?
  • Because Job 16:12 says, “All was well with me, but he shattered me; he seized me by the neck and crushed me.” (NIV)
• What kind of cars are mentioned in the Bible. (loosely)
  • Jehovah drove Adam and Even out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury.
  • David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
  • Honda...because the apostles were all in one Accord.
  • 2 Cor. 4:8 describes going out in service in a Volkswagen Beetle: "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed;" (NIV)
• What is the best way to get to Paradise?
  • Turn right and go straight.
• What do they call pastors in Germany?
  • German Shepherds.

The Haircut

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son. "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, and we'll talk about the car." The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you didn't get your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair.

To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

The Strange Sound

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a VERY strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same VERY strange noise that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. Tell us why man hurts one another, and why there is beauty in the world. When you find these answers, you will become a monk."

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for." He gives the monks all the answers they had him seek.

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door."

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?"

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man asks for the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He asks for another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.

So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst, and at last, a gold door.

Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that VERY strange sound.

But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

Do You Lie In Church?

The Reverend Thomas Lewis, told his congregation, 'Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you all understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark, chapter 17.'

The following Sunday, as Thomas prepared to deliver his sermon; he asked for a show of hands, he wanted to know how many people had read Mark 17. Almost every hand went up.

Thomas smiled and said, 'Mark only has 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.'